This is hard to write about without sounding cynical or depressing, so I’ll try my best to keep it light. This is something that has been on my heart lately and I knew I had to express it somehow. Motherhood, although the most amazing, wonderful, exciting, adventurous, (and all the other good things), part of life, is also lonely at some, if not many, times.

Or maybe isolating is the right word.

Or unworthy.

Or maybe I’m just so exhausted that it’s difficult to find the right word.

The point is, amidst all this glory and love that comes with being a mother, is a place that is trying and unforgiving and unfamiliar, at least to me. It’s a place I’ve found myself in often, especially since having my 2nd daughter last October. It comes in the moments when Hadley is defying everything I ask of her,. Or when Everly won’t stop crying after I’ve exhausted every avenue of comfort and all I can do is just hold her and bounce her as she lets it out. It comes when my husband and I have an argument and one or both of us is choosing to be stubborn, so this invisible wall exists between us and I can’t (or at least I perceive I can’t) reach out to him. I should mention that none of these things happen too often, besides Hadley’s defiance, because she’s 2 and that’s an everyday thing. Everly is a healthy baby and I count my blessings for that.  I try and try to remind myself that she’s growing fast and one day I’ll miss these late nights with her (which is only partly true. Of course I’ll miss baby Everly, but I won’t miss the sleepless nights. Hell no). And my husband is amazing. Amazing. He works his cute butt off for us and is supportive of me in all that I do (except for online shopping but hey, you win some, you lose some). Still, the loneliness creeps in and it’s these moments that tell me “I’m a bad mom”, “I’m not good enough”, “I’ve lost myself”, and more regularly, “this sucks”.

Is this the mom guilt that people talk of? Is it something more? I mean, even through it all, I love being a mom. I truly love it. My kids are the best parts of me, my life, my every day. I wouldn’t trade anything, at all, for anything. I was made to be a mom to these 2 girls and I’m so thankful that it’s me they call “mom”. So why the loneliness?

To answer that question, I’ve been turning to my faith more and more lately. I’m that girl that hears a quote or a song or a bible verse and it automatically speaks to me. Recently, I’ve had two songs on repeat: Jonathon and Melissa Helser’s “No Longer Slaves” and Gungor’s “Beautiful Things”. I could dissect each song and go through lyric by lyric, but to save us both time, I’ll just summarize that both songs have helped me come out of this dark place. They remind me that I don’t have to fall victim to these negative thoughts and false beliefs of not being good enough and feeling alone. I get to be with these girls every day and that’s enough for me. This may just be a passing season of self-doubt. It may last awhile longer. But He makes “beautiful things out the dust” and so for now, my trust is in Him.

Motherhood can be a lonely place, but it’s also filled with more love than I’ve ever known, more smiles than have ever crossed my face, and more wonder than I’ve ever imagined. That’s make everything worth it.